Loneliness- A battle

I miss India, I miss home and above all I miss family. Every passing day, I am becoming a stronger and an independent person. However, the loneliness remains. It remains a deep part of me. It goes when I am with a few people, but it comes back and lingers in a room full of people. The whole room fills up with void. I feel like I belong to no-one and no-one belongs to me. The love of friends and family keeps me sane. However, one question always remains unanswered " Is all this worth it ?". 

It's been years and I have not found an answer. Some days there is a affirmative YES and some days it's a big NO. My heart changes like the seasons. The seasons atleast have the joy of knowing that the change is coming. 

Loneliness is a battle, which I fight everyday !!!

A dedication

When we are kids everything we do: be it winning a competition or looking pretty, everybody gives the credit to our parents and tell them how smart their kid is or how well they have inculcated discipline in the child. I would like to tell you all about Poorvi, my niece, my little colouring champion. Every coloring competition she wins, everybody congratulates her parents. I understand there are two reasons to it, the first one that Poorvi is too small to understand what congratulations means and after all it is her parents who have been instrumental in creating this little artist.

As Poorvi grows up and starts understanding the world around her, things will change. At college level if she wins a competition or is appreciated for some quality she possesses, all the compliments she gets will be for her and her alone. I again see two reasons here, the first being that Poorvi will be mature enough to understand the appreciation and also, most people, would see Poorvi for who she is today and believe she is instrumental to what she is today. Very few would think of parents or teachers at this point - they will say, "Woow, Poorvi you are truly a talented artist" forgetting all those people along the way who have created and nurtured this young artist. Even if there are some people who understand that the parents and the teachers play their role in creating the person we are, very few would acknowledge these roles, which have created us. 

Once this little one, grows and achieves her success and is known for all the good things and all what she becomes, the world will know only her name, "Poorvi". People forget to even think about who has been instrumental in creating this wonder. Don't most of do that, we may get introduced to our role model's parents, and in our mind we may think, "Oh he is so lucky to have such a talented son" or "Wow, what it must be to be such a legends mother". However, have we stopped to think that if not for the parents - the son may never have become a legend. If not for the teacher - the student may never have become exceptional. We all know Sachin Tendulkar - but how many of us know of the coach who created him? We know of a Kiran Bedi - but do we even know her parents names? Undoubdetdly to become something in life, an individual would have put in tremendous efforts. It is their personal efforts - but shouldn't some credit go to the parents, mentors, teachers of these exceptional humans who helped them realise their own extra-ordinariness?

Let's do something - lets not just look at the fruit and say, "Wow, so sweet". Lets go to the root level and understand what has made this person what he is. This will not only make us look at his or her seemingly ordinary parents and teachers in a new light but also help us realise how many people, in how many ways are helping us become what we want to. We too are being shaped. And moulded. And we shouldnt forget, at the time of our greatness, that if not for that helping hand, if not for that encouraging smile, if not for that "I love you", we may never have come where we have.

Thank your best friend's parents for your friend. Feel grateful to your guru's wife, children and parents and realise how much they must be sacrificing so that your guru can focus on your growth. In fact, if you are a married woman, please do start seeing you in laws in a new light and realise that your husband, who means so much to you, is what he is because of his parents. It would mean so much to any of these people to be recognized for creating a wonder. It would mean so much to them, if they are told that someone, at least someone, realises their role in creating this legend.

How wonderful it would be if we could thank parents and teachers, not only ours, but of all those who are making such a significant difference to our lives. Let's not wait for any particular day, any day can become special if we can make a difference to at least one person. Let's create a few special days to all the special parents and teachers.

This is a dedication to my parents and teachers. And also to Megha Bajaj's parents - who gave me a precious friend and teacher who helps me in writing. Without her parents, and her, I would not be speaking and sharing my innermost feelings and profound realizations through this article with you.

Resting in her arms

There is some much of chaos everywhere. The few constant things I hear on this 90 acres campus of mine in Hyderabad is,  "What did you do about the organization behavior  project?" or "I am so exhausted!" or "I am missing home , I am so depressed, I don't want to stay here ". And so on and so forth. I am yet to come across someone who is happy. Peaceful. In love with life. And yes, I myself am far away from being all this. The worst of me – irritation, loneliness, depression and a 'poor me' attitude was becoming a part of me as I moved away from home in Chennai to work here. I often asked myself if this is the place I should be in – however, never the kinds to run away from a situation I stayed on. And reminded myself – if there is a problem, the solution too will be there.

My solution came one of those days when I was travelling by the share auto. I share it with 15 people and the commotion was really getting on to me. I was sitting besides the window and it suddenly hit me that if I just shift my focus from what is going on inside the auto to looking outside, I could instantly become much more peaceful. For, my drive to the city is through a scenic forest and a quiet road and it's for one and half hours.

As we entered the serene forest area, there was pin drop silence, just the wind blowing, the stars and the moon. Soon, as I lay myself in the lap of mother nature, the outside chaos, and even the one within just started fading. After days, I felt relaxed. At peace. Like everything was all right with the world.  

I reached the hostel only at the end of dusk, but it didn't leave me tired, rather the journey had refreshed me, and I got down with a smile and a felling of fulfillment. It was a beautiful experience. This experience made me realize that all of us go through so much stress, and so much stress over stress that life in the urban world has truly become a hell. One thought led to another and soon I was wondering that how is it that our ancestors did so much, with such little technology and yet remained happy? What was their secret?

And then the answers came. People in our past always had a lot of time with nature. They had to walk hours in scenic places before they could even get water. They also had a lot of time with themselves and this gave them time to unwind, to get connected with their true selves which is essentially happy and feel good about our life. Somewhere in our rat race to achieve we have compromised on the simple pleasures of life – like watching a flower bloom, lying under a blanket of stars, watching in wonderment the amazing unfolding of a sunset.

I realize that each one of us, no matter how busy we are, need to find some time just for ourselves – some time with nature. It will heal us. It will help us. And ensure that we don't get stressed over stress. It's the little 'me – time' that each one of us should gift ourselves. Would you believe it, for the first time in days, I am sleeping with the excitement that tomorrow I have to go back to work?

STOP! Reading between lines

"She never calls, I am the one who calls her all the time and she always says I was thinking of you or I am missing you or I was going to call you..... " does she mean all this or she just says it to console me? Do I even matter to her? She sounds genuine… but… So many thoughts, so much of confusion, so much of agitation for one beautiful relationship. How wonderful it would be if I could stop reading between the lines. She said she misses me, maybe she does. I feel so special and loved, even though she didn't call. But if I start questioning every sentence of hers, I will en up spoiling everything. I love her, I want to call her, calling her makes me happy so why should I read between lines, question where no questions are required and mess up a meaningful friendship. In fact, can I not think, "wow, we are so spiritually aligned, she thinks of me at the same time I think of her?"

 The first day of the week and my boss screamed at me for something which had gone wrong on Friday and I like most people said, "he must have had an argument with his wife and he is taking it out on me." I now believe he has some past like enmity with me and will hinder my career growth. Oh, where all my mind takes me. How productive I could have been the whole day if I just appreciated him for holding on till Monday, so my weekend doesn't get spoiled thinking about the criticism. It was indeed such a thoughtful act, instead, thoughtlessly I spoiled my whole day, and several of my colleagues too because once again, I read between the lines where there was nothing to be read!

I read a beautiful story in Chicken Soup about a girl and boy who love each other. Neither has the courage to tell the other. Both read between lines, analyse, reach the conclusion that there is no hope. The boy marries his sister's friend whom he has no feelings for and the girl, her neighbor, and both have unsuccessful marriages. Twenty five years later, both single, meet at a re-union and realize the truth and get together. While the story made me smile, I wondered how sad it was twenty five years of bliss were compromised upon simply because neither was willing to face facts, both read between lines.

So much goes wrong when we read between lines, analyse stuff with half knowledge and no true facts. When I read between lines I lose my peace of mine. I create misunderstandings. I lose my spontaneity as I keep analyzing everything. I lose my focus from the actual issue. I stop seeking solutions and instead just keep myself lost in a world of questions and ambiguity. I can read so much between the lines, my imagination can take me as far as I want to go.

Today I realise a powerful mind is one that is able to see relationships and people for what they are instead of cooking up stories about them in the mind. Analysis is with markets, with subjects, with data and books... not with human beings… with human beings its love, expressions, belief , faith, trust  and understanding. Trust is indeed the foundation of a relationship and if that I allow that itself to shake every second, how will I build the beautiful castle I want to with my loved ones? Even I was to put others aside, for my own peace and happiness its best that I stop reading between lines. I should learn to see things for what they are, and wherever things are not that clear, I should have the courage to ask the person involved to clarify for me. oh, how simple everything would be then.

Today I understand a beautiful paradox of life – when it's a matter of books, I should read between the lines to get a deeper meaning, a greater understanding. When it's a matter of people, I should drop the habit if I want to have beautiful, peaceful relationships. A quote says that assumptions are the termites of relationships? True, isnt it?

-Anita Pansari and Megha Bajaj

Small things matter BIG

"Drops of water form an Ocean", "Rome was not built in a day". "Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I have heard many sentences of these kinds that try telling us something but its only now that I realize the importance and magnitude of each of these sentences.

I would always give up on very minute things. For instance, if I am unscrewing a earring and unable to, I would just give up. If my spellings went wrong in an email, I would always tell myself its okay as long as she understands the message, I would not bother about the way I carry myself and often look unkempt, and I would not bother to meditate everyday believing giving up some days, but doing it for the majority of days was absolutely all right.

One of those magical moments, when I sat on my bed, undoing a chain which had got badly knotted up, when my spiritual mentor, Rajan's words echoed in my ears, "Attitudes don't care where you shape them but once shaped they become a part of you." As I was about to give up, I told myself don't... if I give up on this, then won't it become a habit? A habit of giving up. A habit which will hurt me in a very big way in life because I will not give my best and think giving up is an all right practice – because my mind would tell me you give up all the time, why make it an exception this time? I realized, if I give up this little work right now, tomorrow I may be convinced to give up my dream , just because it looks a little difficult.

It's been proven scientifically that even if your spellings are incorrect and the first and the last alphabets are in their place, the word can be read by the human mind. However, we all know how frustrating it is to read anything which has many spelling errors. The mind gets tired, the individual gets frustrated and in all probability the communication you want to convey gets lost in the misspellings. Today I realize that its not as small as putting an extra 'e' here or a wrong 'o' there its an attitude of doing things in a hurried, un-careful way which could lead to big problems for me. Today it just looks like a few misspelled words to my best friend in a letter tomorrow it could be some serious errors in a report that I may have to present at work or an article I may have to write for a magazine and I may actually be judged wrongly for just a few misspelled words, which became a habit while writing mails to friends!

"Who is going to look at me?" Was a question constantly asked by me, when anybody would ask me to dress up a little neatly and nicely. Thank god! I have realised that small things, matter big. How can i dream of being a personality, till I don't learn the art of carrying myself well, how can I expect the whole world to see me someday as an example when today, I don't care about who is looking at me. I am not referring to being beautiful from the outside or be a stage model, but I am just referring to being neat, presentable. I always thought brains alone matter, but now I realize that for most people the first and lasting impression is going to be with the way I carry myself. And come to think of it, I would not like someone unkempt to be around me, so why would someone else like it? Now even when I am at home, or go down just to buy bread, I ensure that my hair is combed, my clothes are not dirty and I carry myself well. Its important to take care of these things now, before it becomes an attitude and I end up going even for an interview in a shabby way.

I complain if God gives me one thing but not another, and yet I realize I have been so casual in my own remembrance of God. When I am irregular in my practice of meditation its all right, but if God upsets my plans for something it is not so. Now I realize, that my attitude towards meditation is actually my message to Life that some days I want to feel the divine presence, other days I don't. It was somewhere a relationship of convenience, not of conviction. I am going to meditate regularly henceforth because I can not risk developing a wrong attitude towards God.

Thank you God, for reminding me that you exist, not in the big things alone, but in the small things. And if I get the small things right, chances are I will succeed in the big ones too. Thank you for reminding me that attitudes don't care where they are shaped, and often they are shaped in the little moments of my life, so I will be more careful. How true goes the popular quote, "Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things and I'll show you a man who cannot be trusted to do big things."

   Anita Pansari and Megha Bajaj